I don’t think I’ve ever not been excited for breakfast. Every night, even on the worst days, I am thrilled at the idea of waking up and eating. I’m a simple gal. This week had been all sorts of brand new—Toronto is sort of cooling down, I submitted my syllabus and several lesson plans for review—but mostly I’ve been noticing how I don’t wake up excited to eat.
As of right now, I don’t know if I will be going back to New York in September. I’ve heard all sorts of announcements from every different department I’m somehow connected to telling me one thing and then another. First, we’ll see you in September. Then… well actually maybe international students will be deported? (Not the school’s fault) Then okay you can teach online all year… then well actually just in the fall… then actually we (not WE another we that we are emailing on behalf of) are requesting you come back to New York. It’s exhausting, and I can’t eat.
I am so excited to teach in September. I just got confirmation that I will have a class. I’ve been refreshing the enrolment page to see the numbers start rolling in (as of now they are zero, but I teach a compulsory class so I’m not worried!). But I hate not knowing where I’m going to be. Can I stay in Canada? Can I go home and live up north and canoe until it’s cold enough to ski? Can I stay in Toronto? Do I have to go back to the US? If so, could I live on the west coast or do I have to be in New York specifically?
Of course, of course, me not knowing where I’m going to be in three weeks is not a large-scale problem. I’ve been very lucky since March to feel safe and warm and loved during the pandemic. I even stayed in and contributed to a summer writing workshop—something that (now that it’s over) seems almost unfeasible to do again. I know no matter where I end up I’ll be safe and warm and loved…even if it’s in a tiny apartment in New York on my own teaching on Zoom.
I am adaptable! But I also miss breakfast. For the last few days, as we get closer and closer to the first day of school, I’ve felt sick to my stomach with uncertainty. Times of transition are always sort of sticky, and that’s to be expected, but knowing it’s normal to feel like this doesn’t make it any less pleasant to feel.
I’m nervous about going back to New York because I don’t want to be there during another outbreak. But I will go if it’s the only way I can teach. And if I find out two minutes after I post this, that’s fine. If I find out on Wednesday, that is fine too.
It just started POURING rain and I’m very happy about that. I was taking notes about a rain scene yesterday for a novel I’ve been thinking about while in lockdown. So maybe I’ll take a break from course prep and write a rain scene?
If you made it this far, I’ve started up a BookTube channel where I talk about what I’m reading and what I think about it. You can find the videos here.
Stay warm stay dry! Be nice to your friends.
—Steph